I would even say that there was a point when I just hated who I was. Period. I was not loud enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, not good enough, and just a mass filling space. Every failure (and I had a lot of them) seemed to be the end: I wasn't good for anything anymore. I even seem to remember crying several days straight when something didn't work out and I got discouraged. It's not the same for everyone, but for me whenever things went wrong it was always my fault. I made the stupid mistake. I didn't present myself good enough. I didn't think things through straight...always my fault...and then there was that irritating anxiety that would impede on my performance when I wanted to do my best. I lost all control of myself then and it was humiliating. There was nothing I wanted to do more than hide myself from everyone.
The one great thing about leaving and beginning a new situation, particularly one when you are on your own, it opens your eyes and you begin to see who you really are. For the first time I realized that some of my gifts and talents--my imagination, creativity, reflective tendencies, love of music and the arts, even my ability to feel deeply--are all deeply rooted inside of me because I am quiet. There is no shame in being quiet. I rarely speak up, but when I do people who know me listen. This may contradict my last post when I said no one listens. That was a generalized statement. I make a lot of those. There are some times when I feel silenced because of all the louder voices out there and not being a natural attention seeker, I get muffled in the crowd.
Do I hate who I am now? No. People still make remarks about my quiet tendencies, but they no longer bother me. I'm fine with who I am. If anyone has problem with it, it will be their issue, not mine, but most people I meet have had no problem, thank goodness.
The one great thing about leaving and beginning a new situation, particularly one when you are on your own, it opens your eyes and you begin to see who you really are. For the first time I realized that some of my gifts and talents--my imagination, creativity, reflective tendencies, love of music and the arts, even my ability to feel deeply--are all deeply rooted inside of me because I am quiet. There is no shame in being quiet. I rarely speak up, but when I do people who know me listen. This may contradict my last post when I said no one listens. That was a generalized statement. I make a lot of those. There are some times when I feel silenced because of all the louder voices out there and not being a natural attention seeker, I get muffled in the crowd.
Do I hate who I am now? No. People still make remarks about my quiet tendencies, but they no longer bother me. I'm fine with who I am. If anyone has problem with it, it will be their issue, not mine, but most people I meet have had no problem, thank goodness.
