My world began along this path in the beginning of 2018. My grandmother turned 100 on the second day of January, and as we visited her, I knew it would be for the last time in this life. It was a sad realization, and quite tender for me. I made sure I said what I needed to say before we left, and in fact, my sister, my disabled brother, and I were the only ones she responded to that day. She passed away later in the summer.
In addition to my grandma's death, I had an uncle who passed away three months later, and this past weekend lost an aunt. In addition to these, I have two dear neighbors who have lost loved ones within the past week or two. It seems that right now, I'm surrounded by death. It's all been happening so much that grief is a little pressing right now.
This next factor may or may not be considered by other people as part of this category, but it was in it's own way a trial, and that was planning a vacation for myself...alone. I would have so much preferred to have someone with me, but I've already gone through that part with an earlier post. Both planning and getting myself to do it was emotionally quite an ordeal, particularly because of the next mention.
I've spoken before of the things I'm dealing with at home, and they were taking a difficult turn just at the time I was making plans to leave. I don't like to get into a lot of detail about what happened out of respect to family's wishes of privacy, but it's now become more of a necessity to watch both my disabled brother and another family member who has been slowly requiring closer attention. In fact, the day before I was supposed to have that planned vacation we had a problem that made me question if going through my plans was wise, but fortunately, I have some siblings around who picked up for me.
Three deaths within seven months, a vacation I was left to plan alone, and struggles at home: I have every right to feel miserable and that life has left me an discouraging hand. Not so. There are others who have it worse. It's that one difficulty that makes us take that step we never thought we would do, the opportunity to understand others in a way that we would have never thought of before, and that reminder about what in life is worth valuing.
Experiencing the deaths of so many loved ones reminds me to love, appreciate, and value the loved ones around me still living. It also leaves me with sweet memories of those passed on to reflect, and perhaps to teach me as I continue my personal journey.
The family struggles? Yes, they are a reminder also of mortality and how we need each other. They need to rely on me (and the others), and it may not seem so now, but I also need them to care for, because we are learning off of each other. It's amazing the things you learn from someone while taking care of him or her.
Last, but not least: dealing with being face to face with myself alone. It's a scary thing sometimes. You see every flaw, notice every stupid thing you just did or said, but along with those flaws come strengths. One great strength I was reminded of in this situation was how courageous I can be. I don't like travelling alone, and certainly didn't want to go to this particular place alone, but as much anxiety as it caused planning and following through, I did it, and in my personal opinion, that is what made the trip successful. Somewhere along the way in my life, I developed the habit of not letting my fears and anxieties stop me from at least trying, and very few times have I left regretting my decision.
