With that type of impression at that age, you'd think I'd give up on trying, but no, I decided to take the complicated route and keep trying at it. Music has always been a deep part of me from as young as I can remember. Songs spoke to me as a child. They weren't just nice tunes. I could feel them. It seemed like I couldn't really officially stop the singing despite my belief that I couldn't do it. There were plenty of recesses at school when at the end I would be behind the others or away from them enough that I often sang the songs I was learning for the programs. It was always in private, so I could spare everyone's ears. There were a few times I remember attempting to sing out as we were asked, and then the teacher would tell us not to yell the song. That was my fault--according to my thinking--and I stopped. My singing was hidden by all public life for several years. I wouldn't even sing for my family.
I took piano lessons, but due to my lack of practice (I got easily frustrated with making so many mistakes), I didn't go far, but the one benefit I received from those practices was the appreciation for exceptional piano playing and piano music. I love to watch and listen to people play. My flute lessons took on similar issues, but I went further on it so that I'm at least able to play many tunes whenever I find something I want to play. As part of learning how to play the flute, I belonged to the school band, and that instilled the overall appreciation for instrumental music. At some point in time I developed a performance anxiety that playing as well as singing in front of people became extremely uncomfortable, and I had some humiliating incidents from them. You'd think this would take me away from music...but it didn't.
I'd mentioned in another post that I had a sister who would play the piano and sing songs. I was always somewhere else in another room or outside, but I listened and often memorized the songs. They were often sung as usual in a private area where I wasn't around anyone. My parents wanted to put me in a choir, but a tryout was required. I had her play one of her songs and I sang to it. It was probably the first time she ever heard me sing. I think for the following years she wished for more of my singing, but I was still very shy about it. There was one time I was singing with my siblings in church and she was delighted that she could hear me. I've had incidents here and there where I've received responses indicating that I'm not bad, but I will have to be honest that the voice telling me I'm no good pops up once in a while, and it gets to be a bit of a struggle sometimes.
Lately I've decided to stop fighting all my imperfections with my music, and share them out a little more. I've been adding them to my unique and interesting supply of items on my YouTube channel. I don't get a lot of attention on them, but I'm completely fine with that. Music has always found its way through the insecurities and mental falsehoods to keep itself alive within me. I'm never going to be world famous, but if I manage to get one person to make it through my songs without an earache, I've succeeded. The most ideal though is having my music connect to someone as much as it connects to me. I may have had my struggles in letting it out, but as a person who needs to create I find part of that creating is making music, whether it's good or not. Hopefully, some of my attempts can connect to others as it has to me.
My music is a testimony of years of facing insecurities, anxieties, and childhood misconceptions. It is my courageous battle resulting in victory. The music was too rooted inside of me to give it up, and has taught me many a good time about facing our personal trials bravely.
