Part 16: That moment when you realize you have to head into the extroverted world.
Perhaps it was a part of my burnout symptoms, because it can be, but I have many memories of waking up in the morning and hating getting ready for work. There were many times, if not almost daily, that I felt exhausted just by walking through the doors at work and realizing that I was going to have to deal with more of the phone calls and dealing with people. It's like it all hits me like a brick wall from my little world of calm and quiet to busy time. It often sent me into a state of anxiety, and before I discovered the secret of taking 10-15 minute walks beforehand to keep me calm, the sudden onset of the environment affected me so much that it took me at least half an hour to settle down enough to concentrate.
There is a state of change I go through while transitioning from my private world into the public world, and sometimes that transition can get a little rough, particularly when I'm enjoying my quiet time. I can be quite social at times, but that depends entirely on the energy of the room and the people I'm with. A completely friendly environment that doesn't push me too fast just might have a chance to get that to happen. Even then though, after a while, I can crash suddenly and hard. I might be friendly and social one minute and then in a second feel the energy zap out of me. I'm done. I don't want to talk anymore. My somewhat openness shuts down. I'm exhausted, impatient, and all I want to do is leave.
Even with events I've planned for and looked forward to for days, and perhaps even months, are met with a sense of dread as the time approaches. Having to get ready and face the people I have to get past in order to get to those places is a harrowing experience. It's perhaps a little more scary in my anticipation anxiety mode than it is in real life, but in order to get to those places, I go through a lot mentally as well as physically. Once I'm there, I'm my happy little quiet self (usually). Most of the time it's not regretted, but often I come back home exhausted, with the exception of a possible fun moment that connected to me so much that my adrenaline went sky high. It's hello to insomnia in that case.
You know the famous quote, "All the World is a Stage" by Shakespeare that goes around often? In a way, that's sometimes what it feels like to go out into the extroverted world. It feels like I have to drop the individuality I feel at home and make adjustments so that I fit in better to the world I just entered. Nearly every day spent out where it's required to exercise some extroversion, it's like a day's work of improv, because I have to push myself to respond appropriately. That push can be extremely hard when it comes to something I don't find interest or passion in. It's all in the game of social interaction, and days like this are exhausting.
You might say I'm a little bit backwards when it comes to showing that part of me so many people desperately want to see. I'm more crazy and carefree with the select few that I know and I'm comfortable with, and totally reserved and serious with everyone else.
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| Now blooming. Love Spring. |
