One of the hardest things to face when you have a good family relationship is the moment when someone in the family passes away, and that's what happened. This time it happened to be one of the most difficult relationships to lose, a mother. I've been a little vague at details about this, but she was indeed the parent family member whom I was taking care of these past three years along with my disabled brother. I don't consider this as my ultimate low, rather watching her progression of struggles from the week before was the most difficult part. She passed away basically on her terms. She got to be home, and we were all there even though we were wandering around trying to do things in between checking on her. She passed away peacefully in her sleep, and that's exactly how she wanted to go.
It's a bit strange going through this grief process. The first three nights I couldn't sleep well due to crying all night, and the funny thing about me was that I'm able to keep myself together most of the time when I'm around people. Some of them probably wondered why I was able to crack a smile sometimes, but you see, when people are around I tend to turn my focus on them, so they become a little bit of a distraction for me. That's why I'm more emotional at night or at other times when it's quiet and I'm alone: I'm not distracted. People have warned me that it's going to be hard for a while. We'll see how that works for me. I generally go through the grief process rather quickly, but then again, my mom's the closest relation I've lost now, so it could be different.
Some decisions need to be made sometime in the near future, but for now I'm trying my best to find some joy in this holiday season. I know a lot of people feel bad for us that we have to mourn through this time, but honestly I find the holiday music and the gatherings that happen this time of year almost therapeutic. This situation actually seems to accentuate the main purpose for these holiday celebrations. It'll change my perspective a little, but I'm hoping that's for the better. I blatantly refuse to let anything ruin my favorite holiday!
Life is good.
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