Negative thinking was definitely emerging by the time I was eight or nine, but didn't come to full fruition until I was about sixteen years of age. I was terribly self critical. It is often said that children of this age often act like they know everything, but I was quite the opposite. I thought I was dumb and stupid. Everything I tried seemed to go to ruin. I felt like I had no talent. I hated myself for being such a quiet person. I hated that I couldn't follow my sisters' steps and be a straight A student. I was rejected from Honors English, which was supposedly my best subject. I couldn't handle trying out for plays without falling apart, because of anxiety. Everyone else seemed to make the high school choir and I didn't--it was like the world was against me. Embarrassing things happened in class that made me not want to go the next day and face the teacher. Let me simplify this: I hated myself. Those were some pretty dark days, and I never want to relive them again. I remember one time when it got to be too much for me. I'd just come home from reading another list of people's names that made that particular activity, and realized I wasn't on it. Never in my life had I ever had such a gut wrenching cry like that. "Why?" I asked over and over. "Why do I even try?" I'll never forget that moment. It was such a low and dark moment. I'm pretty sure that particular bout of depression lasted several days.
Fortunately, I had teachers and peers who would remind me once in a while (whether I believed them or not) that I was a person of at least some worth to them. I also had a friend who was quick witted and helped me laugh once in a while. The local church groups, particularly the leaders encouraged me. Once in a while they (adults and peers alike) would tell me a quality I had that I never realized I had. It also helped to belong to a tight knit family. Not only my immediate family, but my extended family also. My extended family is rather large, but there were always activities to bring the family together and they knew me well enough to at least acknowledge my existence, perhaps provide a friendly hug or two. There's something in hearing people laugh and enjoy each other's company that makes you forget your struggles for a while. I was blessed to have good people in my life who were able to keep me going enough that the darkness I was experiencing never plummeted deeper. I'm completely convinced as I look back that these associations saved me from utter darkness.
I had some advantages that perhaps other people don't have, so my heart goes out to those people. Even with those advantages, it took me a long time to stop it. I think I knew it needed to stop, but didn't realize what I was doing until I was in school and was dealing with a class that was causing a lot of self abuse. I realized that I was pushing myself too hard and began to turn to one of my long neglected gifts to help me cope with the stress that was causing it: writing. One day when I felt the stress coming on strongly, I decided to pull out a piece of scrap paper and scribble down a quick poem, but there was a catch: it had to end on a positive note. I wrote down a little poem with some kind of happy thought on it, and I felt better, so day after day when I felt the stress coming on, along with the temptation to abuse myself, I'd pull out a paper and write something positive or happy on it. I didn't realize the effect it made immediately, but after time the most valuable thing I learned from that stressful class was how to train my mind to think on the bright side of things. I've been able to see things from then with a better and brighter view. I've learned focus is vital. Instead of looking at all that went wrong, I needed to look at what went right, and go forward from there. There are many things in this world, far too many, that are ugly and definitely need work, but there are also beautiful and good things, too, and it's been a pleasure for me to take the time to find them.
As mentioned before, I still slip into the negativity think mode once in a while, but fortunately not to the extreme as I have known, so when I share something positive, I'm reminding myself as much as anyone else where to keep my focus.
