Lessons from Tryouts

It's the definition of an introvert's nightmare: standing front and center.  All eyes are drawn on you.  There they sit, those judges with solemn and serious contemplative looks on their faces.  They talk among themselves, but you can't hear a word.  They have requested you to do your thing...ALONE.  It seems like all of those eyes have grown four sizes since you entered.  You're not used to this thing called, "Attention," and you're not sure you like it.  You do your spiel and again those people are talking among themselves and then quietly dismiss you from the spot.  Your fight or flight mode ensures you're out of there in seconds, but then comes the part where you're mulling over what you likely did wrong.

Recent winter sunrise

Every time I went for a tryout, it was the same thing.  Get up, get uncomfortable, embarrass myself, and leave it to the next person.  The struggle never got easier.  Each time as I made the effort, I always ended up at some point asking myself why in the world did I even try?  The blessing of hindsight is that those situations are now more clear to me and understandable than it was at the time.  Though the struggle never got any easier for me, it taught me lessons I would have never learned had I let the anxiety issues talk me out of it.

• Learning to face my fears.  Let's get real.  I'm not saying I'm void of any fears.  I wouldn't be human if I didn't have a few fears to deal with, but in dealing with such a totally uncomfortable situation, I have been able to utilize this skill quite often.  It's not the easiest thing to do, quite the opposite, but the experience has helped me see that I can make it through things that are extremely difficult for me if I persevere and keep fighting.  In all reality, credit should be given for getting the nerve to get up in the first place!
• Learning my strength.  These tryouts are extremely easy situations to see where all of your weaknesses are, but it's always easy to forget that because of the weaknesses, many strengths are revealed also.  Willingly subjecting myself to that level of discomfort says a lot.  It tells me I'm capable of taking courage and doing the hard thing when it's needed.  I could have easily shied away from it the moment the anxiety started taking effect, but I stayed up there embarrassing myself throughout the whole thing and continued until it was completely over.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable in everyone's eyes.  No an easy thing to do, trust me, but I endured on until the end.
• Learning to appreciate my opportunities.  Because of the struggles I had through the whole experience, there were many times when my lack of ability to control my anxiety cost me a part or place in the performance, and it was difficult to deal with at the time.  The struggle allowed me to completely appreciate the opportunities I was given to participate, and I loved every single minute of it.
• Learning the life lesson of dealing with discouragement.  This was a big one.  Being a perfectionist, these tryouts brought out all of the imperfections I could possibly have, and it was pure torture.  Not being able to make the plays were discouraging, and I questioned my sense of worth a lot of times because of it.  I came to realize as time progressed that this was not something I should be placing my worth on.  I soon learned to pick up the pieces and move on with life.  Not having the talents the directors are looking for doesn't mean the end of the world, and I have valuable creative gifts elsewhere that a lot of those who are successful in this particular art do not have and I needed to be utilizing them to help me move on.
• Appreciating those who have been successful and share their abilities well.  Just because I wasn't able to make much out of it for myself doesn't make it any less wonderful to watch another excel in it.  Because of my attempts, I am able to understand at least a little what it took these others to get where they are.  It's not always talent.  They had to work super hard to get there.  I hope the best for them.

So though for this introvert, the thought of trying out still brings on a pang of anxiety.  I'm quite sure there were other lessons learned by putting myself through all of this.  It all comes back to the question I always asked myself, "Why in the world did I even try?"  I tried so I could learn about courage.  I tried so I could learn my strength.  I tried so I could learn gratitude.  I tried so I could learn how to keep going.  Finally, I tried so I could wholeheartedly appreciate and support others.