I find it interesting that I was selected. I often wonder if that comment I made during the last class about enjoying awkward silence had to do with it, but coincidentally, one of the things I've been told in the past is that one of my gifts is that I have "a contagious" peace about me that spreads to others. It never occurred to me before my recent reflections that I have indeed witnessed the truth to this several times. During this time period where people are quick to be contentious and not willing to understand others, that particular ability is becoming more valuable.
My reflections have been focused on this ability of mine and how it relates to having inner peace. It sounds rather strange to me to hear that a sense of peace surrounds me, because there are certainly times when I have a lot going on inside that aren't all that comfortable to deal with, but as I think deeper, I begin to see that having a sense of peace doesn't mean that everything's going to disappear: the concerns; the struggles; the anxieties; the pains or afflictions. By no means are they going away. What does change is how they are managed. I'm thinking of some particular moments--I've had at least a couple--that were emotionally difficult situations. They were moments that I knew with my sensitivities I should have collapsed into some sort of emotional mess; Yet somehow I was able to endure those moments with a surprising amount of calm and composure. There was a sense of strength that seemed to come up out of nowhere within me that held me together. I often think of those moments and wonder, how could this be? Where did that come from? When I think of those moments of calm, the best word to describe that feeling was peace. I knew very well the turmoil that was going on inside me, but it didn't inhibit my behavior. Was this produced by a sense of inner peace?
Continuing the story, after being sent home, I was given plenty of time to re-evaluate my situation. In the long run, I came to see it as a blessing in disguise. It's really difficult to talk about this without going off about all the things I experienced, but to keep it short, I was in dire need of a change of environment, because that wasn't working for me anymore, and this caused it to happen, not in a way I'd recommend, but nevertheless....
Things were going on at home, too, and I think that added on to what was already a bad case of chronic stress. My mom's health was taking a turn for the worse. Here's where the blessing lies: because I was home, I was able to help her take care of those problems, and because of that, she was able to live three more years, and we a few special memories from that. I was home when she needed me, and to add on to that, I was home to help my brother with his needs when the agency that was supposed to help us take care of him grew less dependable. That's always been the story with him. That's part of the reason why I've always stuck around. I've always had to pick up the pieces when other agencies dwindle their support (yes, it's happened multiple times).
Perhaps it's sounded like I sidetracked on telling the story, but there is a reason behind telling it. For me, this is the inner peace I feel: to face a difficult situation calmly; to be able to keep the emotions at bay well enough to understand my situation and respond appropriately; and to concern myself with the needs others around me along with my own.
The ultimate empowering secret is that I know, and have come to realize, my relationship with God, and how he sees me. This understanding naturally helps me have a little more confidence, and a little less likely to tear myself down. I know that no matter what happens, things will turn out well in the end, as long as I allow that knowledge to strengthen me. It only then that we can effectively reach out and help others feel at peace. There are so many out there who long for this peace, and I can certainly testify that many feel it. How? By being patient; by listening without interruption; by sitting (a.k.a. "being") with someone--talking or not; by showing composure in a difficult situation; and ultimately, willing to look at that person as a best friend or family member--the way God sees them. This can certainly be difficult with difficult people, but in reality, this is when having peace within yourself benefits the most, because it gives you that extra strength to be patient and resilient to the sting (without being rude). There are other benefits also, but my mind isn't putting those into words at the moment, so I'll leave that for anyone reading this to reflect on.
So is my particular gift associated with this inner peace? I would say I do. I'm reflecting on its relationship with emotions, because they fluctuate all the time; however, in my most powerful moments, I have experienced a difference. It's not something I can entirely explain. I feel all of the emotions, including the most uncomfortable ones, yet there's something strange that happens on occasion, particularly when I'm dealing with people, that I'm able to take all of those painful emotions and push them to the side or to the back I suppose to allow myself to think things through, leading to acceptance, then calmness. Yet at the time I'm both still feeling the ache in the background at the same time with feeling calm. Go figure. Thinking of those types of experiences, I conclude that there is more to it than how you feel. It's a knowledge that doesn't go away easily, and once that knowledge is received, it is a great anchor of strength when challenges come my way. I certainly hope that I'm able to keep my perspective in the right place, and that I'm able to maintain this strength, gift, ability...whatever you want to call it, because if the world keeps going the way it looks like it's going, it will be in dire need for this kind of thing.
