Round Two with Grief

The past few weeks have been a bit of distraction, so pardon the slight delay. The busiest part following the death of a loved one always happens the first two or so weeks. While in the midst of trying to reconcile that a loved one is no longer here, there are quick decisions needed to be made, mostly concerning the preparation for the body's internment and funeral plans. A lot of planning and working with mortuaries happening during this time. Yet that isn't what is the most difficult. The hardest part of the funeral (and at least one sibling agrees with me on this) is the closing of the casket. It's like a finalization and a stark realization that this person will no longer be present in our life. Perhaps it's different for those who choose to cremate, but I imagine there's still some feeling of loss there.

Some of the things I experienced this time are similar to last time, but different as well. This time, I saw it coming much earlier, so I was starting into my anticipation grief a few weeks earlier. I could see the shadow of my mom on my brother's face, and knew what it meant, but was in denial for the first week or so, but finally started realizing it one day when I was with him in the hospital alone. I had somehow realized that day was going to be one of the last times we would spend time alone together, and good thing we were alone, because I was a mess emotionally. When we decided to send him home a few days later, I knew then and there we'd just decided his fate, but we were at peace with it. During that whole discussion, I knew it was my mom's wish. He had gone through enough, and it was time for us to let her come get him. That is one of the hardest decisions ever, but we knew it was the best option considering the other choices with their risks. His time was limited no matter which direction we chose, so we chose to let him go. During the time of his passing, I experienced headaches for a couple of days, and there was a little sleep disturbance, though not much out of the usual sleep disturbances I experience (certainly paled in comparison to the terrible insomnia I developed at my former employment). A lot more physical things than I remember, but those don't seem to be sticking around for too long, so that's good.

I'm now in the lost phase where I'm trying to figure out how to adjust to the change. Taking care of him and my mom when she was alive were basically my life. I've now got to figure out what's next, and I have a good inclination of my next step, but it might take some time. I'm not entirely great at taking new turns, particularly ones this significant, but a part of me feels like it will work out somehow. I have good people around me who can guide me if I need it.

Speaking of good people, I have a lot of people in the neighborhood who were good at coming and giving me hugs, expressing their sorrow for my circumstances. One in particular just lost her husband two weeks before my brother died, and she's particular with checking in on me. Our manner of grief seems to be different. She's more emotional about hers than I am about mine, but I feel like she needs to do it not just for my sake, but for hers as well. I think she's found a little solace knowing that she's not alone in experiencing a loss.

So life moves on and another adventure waits for me around the corner. What direction will that adventure take? 

Stay tuned.

Flowers I helped my sisters order for the funeral.