Ticking Clock

It's funny how Mother Nature likes to throw in those plots twists occasionally. On the last post, I was talking about how my brother's future was a change in care practice, and that I wasn't ready for another loss. Yep, that took a complete flip after I said that. We are looking at end of life now, and I've been a little emotional for the past few days. I think I've known it all along, but I was in a state of denial. When I first noticed something was wrong with him, I saw shadows of my Mom before her death in his face. He had changed slightly in his demeanor since her death. It's really difficult to tell how aware he was that Mom was gone, but I had a sense that he noticed and knew.

It's only been a year-and-a-half since Mom passed away, so there are still some fresh emotions from that experience, and it's making me a little more susceptible to the sorrow. Not only that, but Mike and I have been companions since I was a year old. I don't really know what life is like without him, but I guess I'm about to find out. My sister thinks it was amazing that as I was going through some papers that still needed to be organized I found a note she wrote on a piece of scrap paper with an epitaph for him. She feels like that was meant to be. I think there may be a reason behind my push to write his story from my perspective, but even I felt like I couldn't complete it while he was still living, because there might be more to write.

I may be talking more here and there about him, because that's a little bit of how I deal with grief. I love to sort through the memories of photos, videos, and audio, remembering them as they were. I find it comforting when I can hear their voices and see their faces, and I need to explain here that in my religion, death isn't an ultimate end, but one more step taken in advancement, much like a graduation. Though we are weeping in this life, there is much rejoicing in the next, where the person who passes is greeted by loved ones who preceded him or her in death.

No news yet on his official last breath, but we're expecting it not to be that long. So many people have said that we were fortunate, because most disabled individuals as severe as he is don't make it this long. It's been a great ride with my BFF, but now it's time to part ways, whether I'm ready or not. That's life, but even though it's taken this sudden split in directions, oh, what a beautiful journey in life we shared together!

And the clock ticks on...