I had a little bit of a strange night last night, waking up too early and taking a while to get back to sleep. My mind was on turbo mode, which happens sometimes. When I did drift off to sleep, I went into dream mode, and my mom's voice popped into the middle of it, and she told me a few things, but one particular thing she seemed to emphasize to me was that it was completely normal to have the feelings I'd been experiencing. I'm not sure if that was just referring to my having to deal with grief yet again, or if she was talking to me about all the things I had to deal with emotionally throughout my life. Being sensitive to emotions, I've had a good share of them. Yet after waking up, I felt the need to remember that this is no excuse to back off of watching my thoughts and feelings.
That's a definite ability that I've developed over time: the ability to step back when my words or thoughts aren't in line with my morals. Yes, even though I'm not much of a talker, I still let some unwise things come out occasionally. I'm human after all, but it's also the privilege of being human to keep shooting for something better, a better and more wise way of saying and doing things, as long as it's within a place that I can reach at the time, so that I'm not pushing myself to accomplish something that's too much to handle. Life would be too boring without some sense of accomplishment, whether great or small.
I was pondering the other day when I was going to a local community the possibility of encountering someone who departed with me under unpleasant circumstances. This community is where she was from, and even though I knew it was likely I wouldn't meet her, I couldn't help ruminating about what would happen if we did. What would my feelings be? Would I be fine with seeing her, or would I do my childish tendency I had when I was younger with trying to hide from her presence in embarrassment? How was my standing on this part of my past? The result was inconclusive. I wasn't sure about my emotional reaction, but in my imagination, I found myself having a cordial discussion about what has happened since our last meeting. It seems to me that there's enough time passed that those things of the past are best forgotten. I've never been good at holding grudges, even when it takes time for me to process the associated pain.
I'm thankful for those who have given me support through these difficult times. Speaking of which, a neighbor of mine has this great urge to take me on a hike in a few weeks, and seems determined to do it. It's been a really busy summer, but it's also been really nice to be able to get out and do things again. I haven't done this much for a long time, due to covid closures and being a caregiver. Just when I started thinking that I was again left forgotten in the shadows, someone shows up. I can guarantee that it happens, and for those who feel so lonely and that nobody cares, I feel you. I've gone through that more than I'd like to admit, but I also know that in time (yes, sometimes you have to wait), someone will come along. God hasn't forgotten you as he hasn't forgotten me.
God is good.
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| Rainbow from last week. |
