Getting a poem together each year used to be easy, until I got too stressed. That was the worst case of writer's block I'd ever had. The problem with stress is that the adrenaline keeps my mind rushing. In order for me to tap into myself, I need calmness. That wasn't happening. I remember countless times sitting with a blank paper or blank computer screen trying to tap into my mind to get some ideas, and nothing would come. Talk about frustration! I knew within my heart there was something I needed to get out, but it was trapped!
I came to understand that my writer's block was a symptom of another issue. My stress caused me to have some level of emotional detachment. It was blocking me from going deep within myself to analyze what was happening to me.
The unfortunate part about trying to think positive was that I was convinced whatever was stressing me out would improve over time, and sometimes it did, but in this particular case, it didn't.
The greatest loss of this detachment is the cost it took on me in the spiritual sense. I used to really love doing things with church and loved getting involved in activities, but there were times when the stress blocked my ability to connect spiritually, at least to the depth I was used to. My interest in activities dwindled as I felt the need to cocoon myself into hiding when I so longed for some escape. I never lost my belief, but it was a great challenge to keep up with what I needed. Despite feeling a slight sense of distance from God, I think it was the not giving up my belief in Him that kept me going.
I was unintentionally distancing myself from family also. I remember cocooning in my room several times and overhearing conversations from family members about how they were noticing that I was shutting myself away when they were visiting. That made me feel bad that my struggles and behavior were beginning to affect the family. I didn't mean to shut myself away from them. I was just so desperate for some space and quiet.
Feeling alone with an overwhelming sense of helplessness made me want to be alone. I eventually came to learn who of my acquaintances were the most loyal and hopeful toward me. They are those who may have questioned my behavior but still stuck it out with me while I continue recovering.
Thank goodness for supportive friends and family!
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| The introvert life. Unfortunately, when there is no place to entirely isolate, it affects everyone, as you see. |
