When I first began to work at my company, I was as green as they come. I had no idea what I was doing, and it showed, but I was surrounded by people who encouraged me. That helped me gain some of the confidence I needed to keep going. That was the good supportive stuff that helped me pull through.
Somewhere along the line, the criticisms crept in, and it's not entirely the new management's fault. I dealt with some criticisms from the older managers as well. I wasn't a year in before my first criticism sent me to tears. Yeah, I'm a softy when it comes to this stuff. That wasn't often, so I was able to keep going without it being damaging.
I was highly regarded, considered a hard and dependable worker. I got along well with just about everyone I worked with. I thrived under their encouragement and support, which helped at the times when my insecurity attempted to make an entrance, and I certainly had those moments.
Over time, the mood changed. It was such a slow progression that I was in the middle of it before I realized. I still had plenty of people who saw me as a hard worker, but there was an increase of criticisms. It was manageable enough for some time, but those criticisms became a little more personal when those I was trying to respect began to do it a lot. It came to a point when all I was getting was something I did wrong that I needed to stop, or fix, or whatever, and it all became overwhelming. I was getting "talks" a lot, and that often left me in the bathroom or at my desk crying. One specific time while I was in the bathroom, I kept asking myself the question, Can I do anything right anymore? I felt hopeless and very much like I was no longer of value there. I began to struggle with accepting those who still complimented me, feeling empty and low. I was discouraged and basically lost all hope that anything would get better. It was a dark and miserable time.
The job loss and how I lost it made me question myself, wondering if perhaps I've destroyed my good qualities. There was also the struggle of trying to refrain from harsh criticism for being so stupid about my mistake and struggling with the idea that my name now had a black mark next to it. Thinking of the ones whom I truly respected and got along with being wronged by my actions made me feel like I failed them. I don't know how many of them would have been capable of forgiving me, but there also was the struggle of me having to forgive myself.
But leaving was a good thing for me, because it gave me a chance to realign. I'm able to return to being at peace with myself and understanding that my mistake didn't change my worth. I'm still a valuable being to society who has, I hope, grown a little wiser. Despite my difficulty, I have no ill-will toward my former employers, for I'm at peace with what happened.
