I remember the moment well. Just after being spoken to, my brain flipped. That's it. I'm done, it said, and I felt something change within me. I became numb for the rest of the day. I kept on doing my job, but I'd basically switched to automatic mode. I was done trying. I was done caring. It was the day after that I made my big mistake that cost me my job. There were details there that I should have paid attention to, and if I were in a good state of mind, I would have taken those details as a clue that the task should have been dismissed. I was still in auto mode, and my mind was restricted to one way of thinking: getting rid of my load as quickly as possible. Instead of my usual slow and careful processing, I was rash and reckless, an open invitation to horrible mistake making.
Two weeks later, my mistake was caught, and I was asked about it. I'm sure if I'd been better at lying, I probably could have tried to cover it up, but that was not my way, and after going somewhere private, I admitted my mistake. For a good time after that, I was subjected to the angry response, and perhaps it was best that my emotions weren't in full play at the time, because a lot of things were said that could have sent me into a bad place (even worse than I already was) emotionally.
Losing that job made me realize how difficult that is, particularly when there were memories made there. It's literally like losing a friend or a loved one, and you go through the grief process. I cried for at least three days straight following the loss, and it took time for me to process.
I know I was concerned for a while that the experience changed me for the worst. I was worried that because of my long-term emotional issues I would remain numb, no longer being able to be my former sensitive tender being. But little by little, I began to see signs that confirmed I still held those precious gifts. Helping my family at home with the health issue needs made me feel wanted and needed, making me a lot happier.
The one positive thing that I have learned from all of this was the realization that sometimes we are too severe on people. I learned that stress and mental well-being messes with a person's mind, how it can lead them to make stupid decisions. I also learned that people aren't their mistakes, and that despite what they have said and done, they are still worth something in the sight of God's eyes. I've learned not to be quick to assume things about people who have lost their jobs for whatever reason and feel for them. I know now how what it means to be genuinely cared about. I lost many connections, but some still stuck with me and helped me through and thank goodness for those people! I now know the importance of having loving supporters in times like this, friendly faces who encouraged me and allowed me to take the time I needed to process things.
Thank goodness for good people!
